Airline Humor

I don't fly nearly as much as I used to. But these were too funny not to share:

Subject: AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we’re reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, it is a sure thing that everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab in the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if yo u don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[HT: Kevin SWISA]

SOLD!

I sold the Caddy yesterday! God is Good!

Time for TEA

Today, is TEA Party day. Of course you knew this unless you live under a rock (or overseas). Tea stands for "Taxed Enough Already".

I have done two very specific things to participate in this day. First, I am wearing my very, very patriotic shirt I bought at Bass Pro. (perhaps I'll post a pic later). Second, when I mailed in my quarterly tax payment, I wrote "DON'T WASTE MY MONEY" clearly on the checks and envelopes to the IRS and the OK Tax Commission. (I'll probably get audited because of that)

I'm sick of the spending! I'm sick of the lies! I'm sick of the way my country is being run!

I don't like the idea that our has done so well for 220 years or so and has been sold down the river in the last two months!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

Church Video Remix

I had several folks mention that the audio quality on the original video tour wasn't very good, so here it is, remixed....

All Glory to God!

Easter Services are supposed to be focused on Jesus and the power of His resurrection. Yesterday, the members of Immanuel Southern Baptist Church in Wagoner, OK, got an object lesson to go along with the sermon.

Just before the services were to begin, the Sunday School Director, Marty Berryhill, was walking around the sanctuary greeting visitors. As she took the hand of a young man, she collapsed. It was supposed that she had just fainted. The young visitor motioned to his mother, a medical doctor, that there was a problem and the visiting doctor realized that Marty was not breathing.

Dr. Nancy Murphy, was visiting ISBC on Easter with her extended family to hear her nephew preach the Easter Sermon. Marty had fallen between the pews and it was impossible to get to her. The doctor asked for help and some members were able to move the pews out of the way. Nancy dragged Marty out into the aisle where she determined that not only was she not breathing, but her heart had stopped beating.

Immediately requesting someone to call 9-1-1, she asked if anyone knew CPR. Jeanine Loubier was tuning her guitar on the platform when she responded and assisted Nancy in administering CPR. The pastor met his wife, Sally, in the hall and she said she was on the way to call 9-1-1. The pastor ran ahead of his wife and made the call.

As the CPR continued, it became apparent to the doctor that Marty wasn't going to be revived. She later said that a very small percentage of patients are revived by CPR, but it is always worth doing. She called for all the children to be cleared, because she didn't want them seeing a dead body at church on Easter. The pastor asked everyone to leave the sanctuary and to go to the fellowship hall to pray for the situation. Sally was able to corral the members in the fellowship hall and began praying earnestly.

That's when the power of God was made manifest.

As the doctor later described, "Almost as soon as the people began praying, Marty opened her eyes and took a deep gasp for air. I was never so surprised to see someone come back to life as I was her!"

Marty was taken by ambulance to St. Francis Hospital in Tulsa, about 45 minutes away. The doctors there found a blockage and inserted a stint. By the time the pastor was able to visit last evening, Marty was alert, smiling, and even ordered meatloaf, chocolate cake and iced tea for supper!

As we sat there together talking about the events of the day, I told her what else the doctor had said. She said that as a doctor, she had ZERO expectations that she would be revived. As far as she was concerned she had died on Easter Sunday. However, the only way to explain what had happened was that "it was a miracle".

We were able to laugh about some of the things done and said during the crisis. As we talked, I mentioned to Marty, "you died this morning, but here we are laughing about death this afternoon". What an awesome God we serve that we can laugh about death! Marty died Sunday morning, but she should be released from the hospital Tuesday or Wednesday!

God gets ALL the Glory for this one!

He Is Risen!

He is risen, indeed!

Twitter

I'm not really sure what it is yet, but I am now a Twitter Bug!

Let the party begin!

(The "real" fun will start later)

Yes. That's right. This Saturday, I will be the parent of a teenager! Those very words strike fear in my heart!



Last weekend, the party started, as we went to Sally's folks' home in Vinita to be with Grandma and PawPaw.



As we look forward to the teenage years, I have to say that I am very proud of my older daughter!



The very best things she has going for her is a heart to follow God and a very good head on her shoulders.

The party continues this weekend, as we'll have a slumber party at our home with the little girl party on Saturday.

Real "Letter to the Editor"

I'm in Vinita, OK, this evening, visiting my in-laws. I found the following Letter to the Editor in the April 2, 2009, edition of the Vinita Daily Journal:

TO THE EDITOR:

I have to admit it. My liberal friends were right.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation's hope would deteriorate, and sure enough there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush Administration.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.

They told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8 percent and the new stimulus packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at any time since 9-11.

They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of bribery and tax fraud.

Well, I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain. Any they were right...all of their predictions have come true.

Joe Hicks
Vinita


++++

A man after my own heart.

Video Project

I've been working on this video tour of our church for some time now, and just today, I found a free conversion software that worked without using watermarks!




Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

For Sale

1994 Cadillac Sedan de Ville - $2500.00

NADA.com book price is $3575.00 It has 139,000 miles. Located in Wagoner, OK.

Most Recent Blessing

My "New" '98 Dodge Ram

Well, for the past year, on and off, I have been praying for God to provide me with a different car. I was kind of in the market for a truck, but also eying Sebring Convertibles... The last 3 or 4 days, I felt impressed to pray in earnest for a truck. So I did.

Today, I thought there was a Wagoner Ministerial Alliance meeting, but either I got the day wrong or I was the only one that showed up. I remember Sally mentioning an older blue Ford truck for sale at a used lot here in Wagoner. I decided that since my meeting was shot, I might as well stop back by the lot and take a look at the truck.

It was a nice old truck. 1981 F-100. It had a fairly new replacement motor. The old guy said it would be a reliable truck for me. As we chatted, he asked me what I did, so I told him. As we talked about the truck a little bit more, he mentioned that they had just received a new truck in yesterday and that it could be had for just almost the same price as this old truck. Well, it never hurts to take a look, so that's what we did.

It turned out to be a 1998 Dodge Ram 1500 Lariat. Clean as a whistle and seemingly nothing wrong with it. It even "blue booked" in as higher because of "low" mileage. I did some quick praying about it and called Sally and to make a long story shorter, the above truck is now mine!

Before I bought it, I took it by one of my church member's house to see what he thought about it. I asked him what he thought it ought to sell for and he said a price that was $4500 MORE than what I was going to pay for it. When I told him what the price was, he said that if I didn't buy it, he would!

When the dealer was making out the paper work, I asked him again what he knew about it. He said, "well, the thing I know for sure is that I just sold it way too low". (another salesman was the one who offered it to me at my price).

I told them all in the office that I had been praying for a truck and that they were the answer to my prayer. I was able to witness a bit to them and they asked me to pray for them!

God is so good! I sure am glad I'm not an atheist! (see post below) Also, thanks to my dad who is going to help me with it, too!

Happy Atheist Day

Today is Worldwide Atheist Day! After all, Psalm 14:1 says, "The fool has said in his heart, 'there is no God'".

So, with that in mind, April 1st, more commonly known as April Fool's Day, can now be claimed as Atheist Day as well!

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What a sad life it must be; to deny the existence of God. No one to thank for a beautiful sunset. No one to appeal to when everyone is against you. No one to deliver you when you've gotten yourself in over your head. No one to comfort you when you are alone. And no one to forgive you of your sins, which means an eternity in Hell....

April Fool's Joke in Poor Taste

I just received an April Fool's joke which I consider to be in very poor taste. It was from GuideStone. It was supposed to be the balance of my retirement account.

OK. Very funny. Just put all my money back in and we'll forget about it.

I don't think this was funny at all.

Sooners Headed to NCAAW Final Four

Congratulations Sooners!

The NCAAW Sooner Basketball Team is headed to the Final Four in St. Louis!